No one wants to admit it, but...

...I think that it is easy to become depressed, or anxious, or just plain jealous from the constant grip of social media. How many times on Facebook or Twitter do we see pictures of an old high school friend standing outside of their perfectly manicured giant-sized brand new home? Or perhaps a status update reading: "Hubby just landed the new job he's worked so hard for, complete with a magnificent raise! Thanks, dear for always putting the needs of our family first and working so hard! Now we can start planning that trip to Italy we have always dreamed of!" Or better yet, an old friend holding a baby in a hospital bed with makeup and perfect hair...the whole works...looking like she just got out of a modeling photo shoot, and in your head you are thinking, "Yeah right...I'm sure childbirth was really that good to you."

I may be slightly exaggerating with these descriptions, but you get the point. It is SO hard some days when you feel like everyone else has it better than you. You see these posts and updates revolving around everyone's successes, and it can be hard not to experience a pang of jealousy or a self-loathing thought. You feel like you will never have what it takes to be successful. I am in no way suggesting that people shouldn't post the amazing things happening in their lives to share them with their friends and families, but I do know how hard it can be to hear all of those things when you are in a tight spot financially, going through a divorce, or having medical difficulties.

These thoughts and feelings are normal.  It is perfectly normal to be jealous of that promotion someone else got, that million-dollar house, the dream vacation you have always wanted, or the baby you have been hoping for. Just don't let those feelings take over and allow you to question your own value and success, even if it is smaller in comparison to others. Don't feel SMALL. Don't allow yourself to spend time comparing...go out and make your own path to success.

I deal with depression and anxiety, and it is so easy for me to sit at the computer and watch everyone else live glamorous lives full of vacations and opportunities that I feel I will never get to have. In those times I forget how lucky I am to have such a great husband who loves and protects me. I forget that I have a steady job, and it enables me to pay my bills and put food on my table. I forget how creative and powerful I am if I will just focus on the positive, get off the darn computer, and get something done.

I fear we are wasting time looking into everyone's windows and seeing their accomplishments, instead of going out an accomplishing our own amazing things. I am going to challenge myself the rest of this month to spend at least 2 hours less on the computer a week, and spend that time doing something valuable. I think the extra 2 hours will look good on me, whatever I chose to do with them.

Reasons

These past couple weeks have been kind of hard. We have all had such stressful, strange schedules that we haven't seemed to have time to get the gym together. I have been using my recumbent bike as much as I can., but I will admit I haven't been too faithful at it.

A couple of weeks ago I made a list of the differences I felt after just one week of working out. I figured I should probably stick it on the blog! I am not exaggerating in any way when I say that things changed DRASTICALLY after just one week. Here's the list.

- I lost 2 pounds.
- My clothes fit looser.
- I had a tremendous amount of energy.
- I was satisfied with only 6-7 hours of sleep a night and didn't feel fatigued or sleepy during the day.
- I was more agile and limber after doing around 300 crunches each time we went.
- I didn't have the cravings for sweet treats that I usually get.
- I was able to easily stay in my calorie range each day.
- Things were better in the [ahem] bedroom.

Those are some major improvements to my life in such a small amount of time. Imagine if I went to the gym for a whole year! I would be a super woman! I am just grateful that I started going and have seen results so quickly. I know that the ultimate goal is weight loss, but honestly the energy boost is almost the best thing so far.

I need to kick it up a notch this week and keep all of these things in mind when I feel myself slipping up on my routine. I will keep you posted! I just got two of the Biggest Loser books and I think I will be posting some of the tips and info here for you all to benefit from!

The Year of Self-Discovery

I have been thinking a lot these past two weeks about what to make of this blog. Do I continue to only have it be about my husband and I's day to day life? Do I include weight-loss in it? Do I make a whole other blog for the weight/exercise area of my life? What to do...

I came to two conclusions. One is that I failed you all last year. I failed myself, also. I took this amazing 365 days of my life and wasted almost every one of them as far as being accountable for my actions weight-wise. I am ashamed to say that not only did I not lose the weight I wanted to last year, I put on almost 20 pounds.

It was a rough 365 days. I was DEPRESSED. I was anxious. I was self-conscious. I was hypocritical. I was in no way my best self. I let my feelings of self-loathing seep in to my marriage and create a small gap between my husband and I. I blamed him for the things that I wasn't doing to keep up with my house. I used my side business against him, using the 2 jobs as a way to make him do everything around the house. He never once complained...which I love him so much for! But I KNOW that I was WRONG to do that! I could go on and on, airing every piece of dirty laundry to you all, but I won't.

Instead, I will ask your forgiveness and ask you to simply keep reading.

 I want this year to be magical! I want to shine and I want to help you shine also! I want to remember who I am, why I am here, and prepare myself emotionally, physically and mentally for my next chapter of life! Parenthood! (No, this is not an announcement! But believe me...when the time comes to announce it you will know!) I want to make these changes with you there as a support system. God put us here on this earth for each other! We are supposed to help, encourage, and love. I want to be that for you, as much as I hope you will be that for me. 

My second conclusion is this...I want to have the blog be an entire synopses of my life. I want to post about all kinds of things: weight loss, feelings of inadequacy, exercise, recipes, religion, love, hope, family, and many, many other things.

I hope you keep reading.
I WILL keep posting.

Frogs and crickets.

Don't you just love it when people say they will be back and then don't post again for another month? 

This month has been intense.

My life has been full of learning (lots of it) and trying to combine the "single" happy I once knew with the "married" happy I need to be. I have read countless journal entries, searched books I love for highlighted passages, jotted down experiences daily, and tried to find my inner-light again. That little hub I know is inside of me, just waiting for me to expose it and break it free from the dreariness surrounding it. Things have tried to get in my way...but I have tried my best to shove them out, understanding that there is adversity in ALL things, especially when you are trying to find yourself.

All in all, I feel this month has been a success. 

In between my efforts to save my soul and relationships, I have been BOOKED solid with photo shoots. Working 40 hour weeks, having 10+ editing hours added on top of that, and making sure I have clean laundry and food on the table for my husband...well let's just say I'm a bit overwhelmed. I've found balance inside; now I just need to balance my world around me.

The thing that stands out most from the past few weeks is this:

It is worth it to let the dishes, laundry and work wait for the moments you know you will remember forever. 

Last night at dusk on an old dirt road in the town where my husband grew up, we stopped the car and listened to the frogs and crickets chirp. I felt immense gratitude for the things I have in my life..especially the LOVE of my life. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants take time to listen to the frogs and the crickets. In that moment, my little hub of light grew brighter.

Sick.

After calling in to work on Thursday I calculated in my mind how many times I had been sick in the past six months. 6 times. That's once a month. It's ridiculous. Lately I have felt like as soon as I get over a bout of the flu or a cold, I am sick again.

This 3-day hiatus I have taken from work has not just been about getting better physically. I have taken several hours over the past few days to look at the Weight Watchers website and I have found many success stories that show proof of constant illness as being a result of obesity. It has opened my eyes to the many ways in which this weight is affecting in my life.

I am sick of the guilt that results in my calling in and leaving work early.I am sick of the headaches and body-aches and stuffy noses and mucus and, well, you name it, that are coming from my body not being in a healthy place.

I am sick of the depression and anxiety I feel, and the worry I have that is constantly affecting my daily living, not to mention my marriage. If I were Eli, I wouldn't want to deal with my ups and downs and constant need of reassurance. I know all of these things are physical and mental attributes of being over weight and feeling very insecure. Even though I caught the guy, it doesn't mean he has to stick around.

I feel that I put on a pretty good show, but in all honesty, I am pretty down inside. I love myself, but I sure don't like myself much.

I am sure I will be ridiculed and questioned a million times upon return to Wally World, but the truth is, I needed to take this time to get some things together so that I can steadily work toward a better me. A happier and healthier me, both physically and mentally.

Life is meant to be enjoyed...especially this time of life!
I'm a newly-wed for crying out loud! :)

The #1 Question Asked

I swear, I have never had so many people ask me what I am going to do next! Is it so bad to want to just chill for a year and not think about that yet? I have a good job right now, Wal-Mart treats me well, believe it or not, and I am pretty happy with my life at the moment. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to work here forever, but for now it is nice to know that when everyone is getting ready to go back to school in the fall I won't have to think about it!

In other news, I am LOVING Customer Service! It is such a nice change from what I was doing before! I am just happy with life. I am so glad that I can think about myself for awhile and set some realistic goals and get myself in shape both physically and mentally.

Life is so good! <3

One more week...

Here I sit in the Hub listening to John Mayer and trying to study. I have 3 papers to turn in and a final, and then I will be officially done! Graduated! Diploma in hand! It has been the longest road I have taken, and it will be the best accomplishment so far in my little life. I never thought I would get here, and I am proud of myself for finishing something! My professors have all been gracious and given us extra time to complete things, so the only excuse I could possibly have to not get things done would be my own laziness. I will do this. I can do this!

Five years ago if you would have asked me where I would be on this day, I probably would have said graduated and married with a good teaching job. Life is nowhere near that - but I am happy. I am getting there, slowly!

I am so glad that I have good parents who have supported my decisions and love me no matter what. They are the best.

Now - back to studying!