No one wants to admit it, but...

...I think that it is easy to become depressed, or anxious, or just plain jealous from the constant grip of social media. How many times on Facebook or Twitter do we see pictures of an old high school friend standing outside of their perfectly manicured giant-sized brand new home? Or perhaps a status update reading: "Hubby just landed the new job he's worked so hard for, complete with a magnificent raise! Thanks, dear for always putting the needs of our family first and working so hard! Now we can start planning that trip to Italy we have always dreamed of!" Or better yet, an old friend holding a baby in a hospital bed with makeup and perfect hair...the whole works...looking like she just got out of a modeling photo shoot, and in your head you are thinking, "Yeah right...I'm sure childbirth was really that good to you."

I may be slightly exaggerating with these descriptions, but you get the point. It is SO hard some days when you feel like everyone else has it better than you. You see these posts and updates revolving around everyone's successes, and it can be hard not to experience a pang of jealousy or a self-loathing thought. You feel like you will never have what it takes to be successful. I am in no way suggesting that people shouldn't post the amazing things happening in their lives to share them with their friends and families, but I do know how hard it can be to hear all of those things when you are in a tight spot financially, going through a divorce, or having medical difficulties.

These thoughts and feelings are normal.  It is perfectly normal to be jealous of that promotion someone else got, that million-dollar house, the dream vacation you have always wanted, or the baby you have been hoping for. Just don't let those feelings take over and allow you to question your own value and success, even if it is smaller in comparison to others. Don't feel SMALL. Don't allow yourself to spend time comparing...go out and make your own path to success.

I deal with depression and anxiety, and it is so easy for me to sit at the computer and watch everyone else live glamorous lives full of vacations and opportunities that I feel I will never get to have. In those times I forget how lucky I am to have such a great husband who loves and protects me. I forget that I have a steady job, and it enables me to pay my bills and put food on my table. I forget how creative and powerful I am if I will just focus on the positive, get off the darn computer, and get something done.

I fear we are wasting time looking into everyone's windows and seeing their accomplishments, instead of going out an accomplishing our own amazing things. I am going to challenge myself the rest of this month to spend at least 2 hours less on the computer a week, and spend that time doing something valuable. I think the extra 2 hours will look good on me, whatever I chose to do with them.

The Year of Self-Discovery

I have been thinking a lot these past two weeks about what to make of this blog. Do I continue to only have it be about my husband and I's day to day life? Do I include weight-loss in it? Do I make a whole other blog for the weight/exercise area of my life? What to do...

I came to two conclusions. One is that I failed you all last year. I failed myself, also. I took this amazing 365 days of my life and wasted almost every one of them as far as being accountable for my actions weight-wise. I am ashamed to say that not only did I not lose the weight I wanted to last year, I put on almost 20 pounds.

It was a rough 365 days. I was DEPRESSED. I was anxious. I was self-conscious. I was hypocritical. I was in no way my best self. I let my feelings of self-loathing seep in to my marriage and create a small gap between my husband and I. I blamed him for the things that I wasn't doing to keep up with my house. I used my side business against him, using the 2 jobs as a way to make him do everything around the house. He never once complained...which I love him so much for! But I KNOW that I was WRONG to do that! I could go on and on, airing every piece of dirty laundry to you all, but I won't.

Instead, I will ask your forgiveness and ask you to simply keep reading.

 I want this year to be magical! I want to shine and I want to help you shine also! I want to remember who I am, why I am here, and prepare myself emotionally, physically and mentally for my next chapter of life! Parenthood! (No, this is not an announcement! But believe me...when the time comes to announce it you will know!) I want to make these changes with you there as a support system. God put us here on this earth for each other! We are supposed to help, encourage, and love. I want to be that for you, as much as I hope you will be that for me. 

My second conclusion is this...I want to have the blog be an entire synopses of my life. I want to post about all kinds of things: weight loss, feelings of inadequacy, exercise, recipes, religion, love, hope, family, and many, many other things.

I hope you keep reading.
I WILL keep posting.

Sick.

After calling in to work on Thursday I calculated in my mind how many times I had been sick in the past six months. 6 times. That's once a month. It's ridiculous. Lately I have felt like as soon as I get over a bout of the flu or a cold, I am sick again.

This 3-day hiatus I have taken from work has not just been about getting better physically. I have taken several hours over the past few days to look at the Weight Watchers website and I have found many success stories that show proof of constant illness as being a result of obesity. It has opened my eyes to the many ways in which this weight is affecting in my life.

I am sick of the guilt that results in my calling in and leaving work early.I am sick of the headaches and body-aches and stuffy noses and mucus and, well, you name it, that are coming from my body not being in a healthy place.

I am sick of the depression and anxiety I feel, and the worry I have that is constantly affecting my daily living, not to mention my marriage. If I were Eli, I wouldn't want to deal with my ups and downs and constant need of reassurance. I know all of these things are physical and mental attributes of being over weight and feeling very insecure. Even though I caught the guy, it doesn't mean he has to stick around.

I feel that I put on a pretty good show, but in all honesty, I am pretty down inside. I love myself, but I sure don't like myself much.

I am sure I will be ridiculed and questioned a million times upon return to Wally World, but the truth is, I needed to take this time to get some things together so that I can steadily work toward a better me. A happier and healthier me, both physically and mentally.

Life is meant to be enjoyed...especially this time of life!
I'm a newly-wed for crying out loud! :)