3 weeks down

Lost: 16 lbs

Gained: A new love for fruit and vegetables.  A feeling of empowerment.  A new confidence.  The ability to say "no." The ability to eliminate (most) excuses. 

Well it has been an interesting few weeks. I feel so DANG good.  I am happy to report that I have not eaten one treat/baked good/sugar soda since I found out.  It feels amazing to gain control over something that has weakened me for so long. 

Once, a long time ago,  someone told me that people who make excuses are useless.  Whether or not that is true,  I think I am finally done with that phase of life.  I know I will have bad days,  but the energy that I feel now having lost this much weight so far is greater than my desire to give in to instant gratification.

Life is good.

I am starting to love my body. 

No one wants to admit it, but...

...I think that it is easy to become depressed, or anxious, or just plain jealous from the constant grip of social media. How many times on Facebook or Twitter do we see pictures of an old high school friend standing outside of their perfectly manicured giant-sized brand new home? Or perhaps a status update reading: "Hubby just landed the new job he's worked so hard for, complete with a magnificent raise! Thanks, dear for always putting the needs of our family first and working so hard! Now we can start planning that trip to Italy we have always dreamed of!" Or better yet, an old friend holding a baby in a hospital bed with makeup and perfect hair...the whole works...looking like she just got out of a modeling photo shoot, and in your head you are thinking, "Yeah right...I'm sure childbirth was really that good to you."

I may be slightly exaggerating with these descriptions, but you get the point. It is SO hard some days when you feel like everyone else has it better than you. You see these posts and updates revolving around everyone's successes, and it can be hard not to experience a pang of jealousy or a self-loathing thought. You feel like you will never have what it takes to be successful. I am in no way suggesting that people shouldn't post the amazing things happening in their lives to share them with their friends and families, but I do know how hard it can be to hear all of those things when you are in a tight spot financially, going through a divorce, or having medical difficulties.

These thoughts and feelings are normal.  It is perfectly normal to be jealous of that promotion someone else got, that million-dollar house, the dream vacation you have always wanted, or the baby you have been hoping for. Just don't let those feelings take over and allow you to question your own value and success, even if it is smaller in comparison to others. Don't feel SMALL. Don't allow yourself to spend time comparing...go out and make your own path to success.

I deal with depression and anxiety, and it is so easy for me to sit at the computer and watch everyone else live glamorous lives full of vacations and opportunities that I feel I will never get to have. In those times I forget how lucky I am to have such a great husband who loves and protects me. I forget that I have a steady job, and it enables me to pay my bills and put food on my table. I forget how creative and powerful I am if I will just focus on the positive, get off the darn computer, and get something done.

I fear we are wasting time looking into everyone's windows and seeing their accomplishments, instead of going out an accomplishing our own amazing things. I am going to challenge myself the rest of this month to spend at least 2 hours less on the computer a week, and spend that time doing something valuable. I think the extra 2 hours will look good on me, whatever I chose to do with them.

The Year of Self-Discovery

I have been thinking a lot these past two weeks about what to make of this blog. Do I continue to only have it be about my husband and I's day to day life? Do I include weight-loss in it? Do I make a whole other blog for the weight/exercise area of my life? What to do...

I came to two conclusions. One is that I failed you all last year. I failed myself, also. I took this amazing 365 days of my life and wasted almost every one of them as far as being accountable for my actions weight-wise. I am ashamed to say that not only did I not lose the weight I wanted to last year, I put on almost 20 pounds.

It was a rough 365 days. I was DEPRESSED. I was anxious. I was self-conscious. I was hypocritical. I was in no way my best self. I let my feelings of self-loathing seep in to my marriage and create a small gap between my husband and I. I blamed him for the things that I wasn't doing to keep up with my house. I used my side business against him, using the 2 jobs as a way to make him do everything around the house. He never once complained...which I love him so much for! But I KNOW that I was WRONG to do that! I could go on and on, airing every piece of dirty laundry to you all, but I won't.

Instead, I will ask your forgiveness and ask you to simply keep reading.

 I want this year to be magical! I want to shine and I want to help you shine also! I want to remember who I am, why I am here, and prepare myself emotionally, physically and mentally for my next chapter of life! Parenthood! (No, this is not an announcement! But believe me...when the time comes to announce it you will know!) I want to make these changes with you there as a support system. God put us here on this earth for each other! We are supposed to help, encourage, and love. I want to be that for you, as much as I hope you will be that for me. 

My second conclusion is this...I want to have the blog be an entire synopses of my life. I want to post about all kinds of things: weight loss, feelings of inadequacy, exercise, recipes, religion, love, hope, family, and many, many other things.

I hope you keep reading.
I WILL keep posting.

Frogs and crickets.

Don't you just love it when people say they will be back and then don't post again for another month? 

This month has been intense.

My life has been full of learning (lots of it) and trying to combine the "single" happy I once knew with the "married" happy I need to be. I have read countless journal entries, searched books I love for highlighted passages, jotted down experiences daily, and tried to find my inner-light again. That little hub I know is inside of me, just waiting for me to expose it and break it free from the dreariness surrounding it. Things have tried to get in my way...but I have tried my best to shove them out, understanding that there is adversity in ALL things, especially when you are trying to find yourself.

All in all, I feel this month has been a success. 

In between my efforts to save my soul and relationships, I have been BOOKED solid with photo shoots. Working 40 hour weeks, having 10+ editing hours added on top of that, and making sure I have clean laundry and food on the table for my husband...well let's just say I'm a bit overwhelmed. I've found balance inside; now I just need to balance my world around me.

The thing that stands out most from the past few weeks is this:

It is worth it to let the dishes, laundry and work wait for the moments you know you will remember forever. 

Last night at dusk on an old dirt road in the town where my husband grew up, we stopped the car and listened to the frogs and crickets chirp. I felt immense gratitude for the things I have in my life..especially the LOVE of my life. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants take time to listen to the frogs and the crickets. In that moment, my little hub of light grew brighter.

I'm Back..this time for good.

I took a break.
I shouldn't have taken one, but life got in my way.
I spent the last two months going through some strange things.frustrations.emotions.etc.

Right now I feel the heaviest I have ever felt, not only physically, but emotionally too. I am lethargic, lazy, depressed, anxious, quick to anger, easily annoyed and most of all unhappy with life.

I have absolutely no reason to be this way...I have an amazing husband who loves me and we are beginning to think about starting a family. We laugh, we love, we joke, and most of all we just spend time together. So what gives?!

I am not sure why life has become this way for me, but I refuse to "fix" it with pills, creams, drops, etc. I am not syaing there is anything wrong with those methods, but I really want to find a way to get through this without relying on medication. I want to talk it out, cry, scream, cry some more, eat ice cream, sleep it off, whatever I have to do just be happy again.

The weight loss is taking a break...the therapy is beginning.

I want to be completely honest on this blog. I want to write to help others that may be going through similar things. Therefore, I am declaring this a negative-free zone.

I may at times talk about my faith, my religion, and my spirituality. If you are offended by these topics, you are free to leave the page. You are not free to make negative comments, or disrespect any of the views expressed here. There is something that I have found within me during these dark days, and that is my voice. I will stand up for my beliefs even though most of those around me do not share them. It is time to be true to myself.

Stay tuned as I explore the reasons behind my discouragement with weight and my search for my true self. The happy me that is buried deep down inside somewhere.

Sick.

After calling in to work on Thursday I calculated in my mind how many times I had been sick in the past six months. 6 times. That's once a month. It's ridiculous. Lately I have felt like as soon as I get over a bout of the flu or a cold, I am sick again.

This 3-day hiatus I have taken from work has not just been about getting better physically. I have taken several hours over the past few days to look at the Weight Watchers website and I have found many success stories that show proof of constant illness as being a result of obesity. It has opened my eyes to the many ways in which this weight is affecting in my life.

I am sick of the guilt that results in my calling in and leaving work early.I am sick of the headaches and body-aches and stuffy noses and mucus and, well, you name it, that are coming from my body not being in a healthy place.

I am sick of the depression and anxiety I feel, and the worry I have that is constantly affecting my daily living, not to mention my marriage. If I were Eli, I wouldn't want to deal with my ups and downs and constant need of reassurance. I know all of these things are physical and mental attributes of being over weight and feeling very insecure. Even though I caught the guy, it doesn't mean he has to stick around.

I feel that I put on a pretty good show, but in all honesty, I am pretty down inside. I love myself, but I sure don't like myself much.

I am sure I will be ridiculed and questioned a million times upon return to Wally World, but the truth is, I needed to take this time to get some things together so that I can steadily work toward a better me. A happier and healthier me, both physically and mentally.

Life is meant to be enjoyed...especially this time of life!
I'm a newly-wed for crying out loud! :)