The Year of Self-Discovery

I have been thinking a lot these past two weeks about what to make of this blog. Do I continue to only have it be about my husband and I's day to day life? Do I include weight-loss in it? Do I make a whole other blog for the weight/exercise area of my life? What to do...

I came to two conclusions. One is that I failed you all last year. I failed myself, also. I took this amazing 365 days of my life and wasted almost every one of them as far as being accountable for my actions weight-wise. I am ashamed to say that not only did I not lose the weight I wanted to last year, I put on almost 20 pounds.

It was a rough 365 days. I was DEPRESSED. I was anxious. I was self-conscious. I was hypocritical. I was in no way my best self. I let my feelings of self-loathing seep in to my marriage and create a small gap between my husband and I. I blamed him for the things that I wasn't doing to keep up with my house. I used my side business against him, using the 2 jobs as a way to make him do everything around the house. He never once complained...which I love him so much for! But I KNOW that I was WRONG to do that! I could go on and on, airing every piece of dirty laundry to you all, but I won't.

Instead, I will ask your forgiveness and ask you to simply keep reading.

 I want this year to be magical! I want to shine and I want to help you shine also! I want to remember who I am, why I am here, and prepare myself emotionally, physically and mentally for my next chapter of life! Parenthood! (No, this is not an announcement! But believe me...when the time comes to announce it you will know!) I want to make these changes with you there as a support system. God put us here on this earth for each other! We are supposed to help, encourage, and love. I want to be that for you, as much as I hope you will be that for me. 

My second conclusion is this...I want to have the blog be an entire synopses of my life. I want to post about all kinds of things: weight loss, feelings of inadequacy, exercise, recipes, religion, love, hope, family, and many, many other things.

I hope you keep reading.
I WILL keep posting.

Frogs and crickets.

Don't you just love it when people say they will be back and then don't post again for another month? 

This month has been intense.

My life has been full of learning (lots of it) and trying to combine the "single" happy I once knew with the "married" happy I need to be. I have read countless journal entries, searched books I love for highlighted passages, jotted down experiences daily, and tried to find my inner-light again. That little hub I know is inside of me, just waiting for me to expose it and break it free from the dreariness surrounding it. Things have tried to get in my way...but I have tried my best to shove them out, understanding that there is adversity in ALL things, especially when you are trying to find yourself.

All in all, I feel this month has been a success. 

In between my efforts to save my soul and relationships, I have been BOOKED solid with photo shoots. Working 40 hour weeks, having 10+ editing hours added on top of that, and making sure I have clean laundry and food on the table for my husband...well let's just say I'm a bit overwhelmed. I've found balance inside; now I just need to balance my world around me.

The thing that stands out most from the past few weeks is this:

It is worth it to let the dishes, laundry and work wait for the moments you know you will remember forever. 

Last night at dusk on an old dirt road in the town where my husband grew up, we stopped the car and listened to the frogs and crickets chirp. I felt immense gratitude for the things I have in my life..especially the LOVE of my life. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants take time to listen to the frogs and the crickets. In that moment, my little hub of light grew brighter.

Secrets. And a little loss.

Starting Weight: 256
Current Weight: 253
Total Loss: 3 lbs

First of all, I lost 2 pounds this week. I am pretty happy with that, but I will admit most of it is because I was sick so I didn't eat much. Let me tell you, my hunger has come back with a vengeance! It's like I can't get enough food.. and I don't like it.

Second of all, I have realized something horrible about myself that I must get under control: I am a sneak eater. I will sneak food because I don't want anyone to judge me for it...but it isn't healthy food, and it isn't healthy for me to feel that I need to do that in the first place. Some examples of this unhealthy behavior are: stopping at McDonald's on the way home and eating it in the parking lot, opening a bag of chocolate chips and eating small handfuls throughout the day while hiding the bag in the cupboard so Eli won't see, baking for my "co-workers" but eating half the batch before I take them, buying a box of hostess and eating half of it on my lunch break in the car and throwing the rest away so Eli won't see....notice a pattern? It's always eating unhealthy things and sneaking them so my husband won't find out...but let me tell you, the scale doesn't keep my secret.

I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking that I am a disgusting person...but I am also sure that some of you are feeling relieved, because you secretly do this too. I don't think it is as uncommon as we may believe for people to feel like they want to indulge in private...if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it really make a sound? Same concept goes for this situation...if no one sees me eat it, did I really indulge?

Long story short...I want to get rid of his behavior...it is not healthy mentally or physically. I have once again been reading up on my trusty WW blogging community, and I have found a success story that I can really relate too. A woman started WW with this same addiction, and overcame it by stopping and thinking why she wanted to indulge every time the urge came to sneak. She found that it helped her address emotional issues in her life, while improving her results on the scale.

My goal for this week is to do just that, stop in my tracks and really think through what is causing me to want to eat those chips at 2 am while Eli is asleep. I hope I can come back next week with some positive feedback.

I love that this blog is becoming so much more than a weight tracker. I need an outlet, and I'm glad you all stop in to listen. :)

New Journey.

It has been almost 2 full years since I have posted anything. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the past 20 months. I met and married my best friend Eli Smith, and I have started a wonderful life with him.

I am happy in every aspect of my life, except one. As many of you know I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have yo-yo'd from sizes 10-20 throughout the past 10 years. I am a very happy person, full of love and laughter, but this part of me, this negativity, has to come to an end.

My mother-in-law Teresa and I are joining Weight Watchers tomorrow and beginning our road to healthier lifestyles. I am going to update this blog weekly to help stay focused throughout my personal journey. Feel free to join me, or to watch as my life transforms throughout the next year.

The beat part of all is that my husband loves me so much the way that I am. He doesn't care if I weigh 95 lbs, or 399 lbs. This is a goal I have set for myself, so that as I begin to prepare to start a family, I can be in a healthier position to carry and take care of a child. I feel that because I am being supprted, and not pushed into this decision, that I will be able to stay focused on my goal and steadily work toward it.

I am ready to make the commitment to live and be healthier.

Here is my "before" picture. I am currently in a size 20, and weigh 256 pounds.
I am not afraid to share this with the world, it's only down hill from here. :)



I will update each Thursday as I weigh in to track my progress as I go, and I will post a picture after every 10 pounds I lose.

See you next week!